When We Hand Away Our Power (and Then Wonder Why We Feel Powerless)

Rebecca Roe
4 days ago
5 min read

“The price of freedom is responsibility.”  Elbert Hubbard

If personal power were a cup of hot tea, many of us have been spilling it drop by drop into the hands of others - governments, systems, institutions, even the people closest to us. At first, it feels like a relief. Someone else will sort it, make the hard calls, take the blame. But over time, when we finally look down, the cup’s empty, and so are we.

My Wake‑Up Call

This truth came to me the hard way. During my recovery from addiction, I was an expert at blame. I had a long list; my upbringing, society, drinking culture, the bottle shop’s hours, even the weather.

But blame never brought healing. It only kept me small. I have learned, through the grit of experience, what no one can truly teach you until you’re ready to face it: no one else is coming to do the work.

When I stopped expecting others to carry my pain or fix my life, everything changed. Owning my thoughts, my actions, and my behaviours gave me back something I didn’t even realise I’d lost - my power. It wasn’t dramatic or fast; it was a steady realignment that strengthened my integrity one decision at a time.

That shift didn’t just change me, it changed everything. My relationships, my energy, my sense of possibility. If you’d told me back then that freedom demanded responsibility, I would’ve rolled my eyes (or worse). Now, I know that this truth is the foundation of all personal and social change.

The World’s Feeling a Bit Cooked

Fast‑forward to today, and it sometimes feels like the world has forgotten how to breathe. Outrage, us‑versus‑them thinking, confusion, opinions flying faster than seagulls at a fish‑and‑chip shop.

Instead of grounding ourselves, we react. Instead of finding stillness, we scroll for validation.

When the noise grows too loud, I turn inward. Not out of detachment, but because clarity lives in quiet corners. Feeding the chaos never calms it; awareness does. These days, I’d rather be a steady candle in the wind than another spark in the bonfire.

The Blame Culture That Keeps Us Small

We Kiwis pride ourselves on being down‑to‑earth and practical, but somewhere along the way, we turned blame into our national comfort zone.

It’s become easier to complain about what’s wrong than to embody what’s right. We grumble about politicians, policies, or “the system," never noticing how each accusation quietly transfers our personal power elsewhere. When we outsource responsibility, we trade our influence for helplessness.

That’s why we’ve forgotten how capable we really are. The moment we point fingers; we step into the game and turn into spectators. But spectators rarely change the score.

How We Outsourced Common Sense

Outsourcing doesn’t stop with personal accountability; it extends deep into culture. Over time, we’ve allowed institutions to replace what used to come from simple wisdom and shared responsibility.

We stopped teaching life skills, so schools invented “wellbeing” programmes.
We ignored what we ate, so now our food is riddled with chemicals and additives.
We outsourced our own health, then wondered why we’re on lifelong medications instead of beginning with nutrition and lifestyle.
We wait for the news to tell us whether it’s safe to go outside, rather than trusting our intuition, observing weather signs, or reading our own local environment.
We stopped checking on our neighbours, so agencies filled the gap meant for community.

Each policy or system might have started with good intent, but together they’ve delivered a quietly dangerous message: “You can’t be trusted to self‑regulate.”

And that’s the cost. We’ve built convenience but lost confidence. What used to be lived wisdom has turned into rule‑books and permission slips. The irony? The more we try to manage collective safety, the more disconnected we become from our own sense of responsibility.

The Cost of Comfort

We love to celebrate freedom, but freedom without accountability isn’t freedom at all; it is indulgence disguised as progress.

We’ve built comfort into a kind of padded cell. When a few misuse freedom, the rest of us inherit more rules. Someone litters, and another bylaw appears. Someone makes a poor choice, and we all get another layer of red tape.

Too much protection softens the muscle of discernment. It dulls courage, numbs decision‑making, and chips away at our ability to self‑correct. Somewhere along the way, we’ve traded resilience for reassurance. Yes, comfort feels safe, but growth lives on the edge of discomfort.

Standing Apart in a World That Demands Conformity

It’s no wonder this is a challenging shift. Humans are wired for belonging. Survival once depended on the tribe. Being excluded meant danger. Today, rejection might look like being unfollowed or dismissed, but our nervous systems haven’t caught up.

That ancient fear now feeds a subtle modern trap: conformity. Over time, as we’ve handed power to external systems, our instinct to fit in has hardened into a cultural rule to follow along.

We’ve inherited unspoken norms; complain, criticise, wait. Expect others to clean up the mess rather than change ourselves. It’s not malice; it’s habit. After years of practicing dependency, standing on your own feet can feel almost rebellious.

Psychologist Linda Elder observes that social anxiety weakens clear thinking. When fitting in matters more than truth, we choose comfort over clarity. Groupthink nods politely, avoids tension, and slowly dulls our natural instincts for both courage and compassion.

As Jordan Peterson asserts, responsibility gives life meaning. I’d add - it also keeps us awake! Real belonging doesn’t come from obedience but from authenticity - the willingness to think freely while staying kind.

We can honour connection and stand in truth, belong and question. It starts small: one courageous thought, one moment of integrity, one quiet act that says, “I trust myself to lead.”

Reclaiming Our Power

Reclaiming personal responsibility isn’t a heroic act. It is steady, grounded courage. The kind found in everyday choices made with intention.

Here’s where it begins:

Notice where you’ve handed your power away - to habits, excuses, or systems.
Reclaim one decision, one boundary, one belief.
Speak up kindly but clearly.
Build connection that’s real - knock on doors, not just screens.
And master your mind; every thought shapes your emotions, and every emotion drives your action.

We often wait for better leadership or fairer systems, but systems only mirror the consciousness of the people inside them. When we step up, they evolve with us. Real change doesn’t trickle down, it radiates outward.

A Final Word

When we give away blame, we give away power. But the moment we take it back, we remember who we’ve been all along - capable, compassionate, and willing to take ownership of our lives.

Change doesn’t start in government offices or boardrooms; it starts around our own tables. It grows through conversation, courage, and consistency, when one person chooses to act instead of waiting to be saved.

The truth is simple but rarely easy: no policy or institution can replace human responsibility. Freedom endures only when we care for it personally, daily, diligently.

So next time you find yourself thinking, “Someone should do something,” pause. You might just be that someone.

And when you choose to act - calmly, bravely, from the centre of your own power, you give permission for others to rise, too. That’s how lasting change begins: one clear mind, one conscious human, one small but deeply meaningful choice at a time.